What goes up….

As those of you who follow me on Instageam might have noticed, in the early part of this week I was feeling pretty good about myself. Some good weather, a few new clothes and feeling like I might actually be beginning to shed some excess weight combined to leave me feeling distinctly selfie-worthy.

Unfortunately that good feeling didn’t last long enough to see me through the weekend.

Whilst prolonged periods of feeling really good are still quite rare for me its been quite a while since ive experienced such a stark downturn in my mood.

A combination of lots of small niggles and too much time on my own to think and dwell seem to be to blame.

Top of my list of bring-me-downs are definitely my weight and my (lack of) friends.

After some great success shedding the pounds in the later parts of 2015, the xmas/new year period followed by a succession of illnesses saw me put most of that back on and I’ve struggled to get back on track ever since. I’m not gaining weight, but I really feel like I’m making a big effort both in controlling what I eat and in exercising but without seeing and significant change on either the scales or the tape measure. It’s very disheartening and I really have to fight to stop my disappointment from giving way to serious comfort eating and just giving up altogether. As I sit here writing I can feel the extra rolls round my middle stuck to me and it makes me feel sick and disgusting. It’s actually very distressing, which should be enough to get me off my fat ass to do something about it, but nothing I do seems to make any difference.

I’ve also been feeling quite lonely and uncared for recently (I would like to point out that this isn’t fully universal and I know some people do care, but these moods do tend to make me focus on the worst case). I’ve never been good at making friends,  even when I was a kid. These days I’m too insular and paranoid to easily open up to people and I work on the assumption that people who don’t already know me aren’t going to be able to understand meandering that anything they do find out about me is only going to put them off anyway. I also live around 300 miles away from anyone I would have considered to already be a close friend and time and distance have definitely taken their toll on those relationships – evidenced by the fact that most of them can’t be bothered to even make the effort to meet me half way between us. I want nothing more than to be a good friend, but I clearly fail as I can’t even get one person to respond to a cry for human contact on Facebook – i actually wonder if anyone sees my statusses anymore or if everyone has just blocked me and my moaning from their news feed. It’s a very sad state of affairs that leaves me feeling hopeless, pointless and on the verge of a big tearfilled meltdown.

As you can see I’m in a bit of a bad way right now. Now the big problem is that, even after all the therapy I’ve had, I just never know how to lift myself out of these descents. I’ve tried distracting myself with various activities, but I lack the enthusiasm and motivation to do anything,  which results in a spiral of frustration and guilt. I’m also really bad at the whole cognitive behavioural approach, I can’t write out reasons why the things I’m feeling aren’t true because I wholeheartedly believe that I am fat and unlikely to ever lose weight and that most of the friends I’ve ever had don’t give a damn and I’ll never be able to make good friends again.

Even writing this blog has been difficult with the constant second guessing and self censoring – I’m quite convinced no one will want to read this, but I’m equally convinced that no one does, so in the end I’ve drawn the conclusion that it doesn’t matter.
Here’s to doing better tomorrow




A night at the movies: Suicide Squad

I had been quite excited about the release of Suicide Squad. Although I wasn’t super familiar with most of the characters I am generally a big fan of DC and have really enjoyed a lot of the recent TV adaptations like Gotham and Arrow. Whilst the trailers and hype prior to release seemed promising, I was aware of the bad reviews before I went to see it, so I didn’t exactly have high hopes.

Unfortunately it really wasn’t that good. It wasn’t utterly terrible,  I was still entertained, but it just didn’t quite live up to expectations of its potential.

My first impression was that it was a serious case of style over substance – as a series of stills and short bio the characters look interesting, but the movie never really got chance to develop them beyond that – a consequence of trying to introduce so many ‘new’ characters whilst also trying to have a background story to follow. It was clear that some members of the squad really were just there as place fillers, with only Harley,  Deadshot and, to a lesser extent, El Diablo getting anything like any background. To be honest, I think Will Smith’s Deadshot actually stole the show for me as the best character in terms of performance and development.

Harley is a whole other issue that I don’t think I can fully get into here without it becoming a fully fledged essay on women and comicbooks. I’ll try and keep it brief by saying that there was so much potential to take the character and do great things, and that opportunity was thoroughly wasted and sold down the river in a pair of sequined hotpants. The more I think about it, the more I hate those shorts and everything represent.

I won’t say much about the storyline partly to avoid spoilers and partly because there wasn’t much of a storyline to comment on. The first half was a whirlwind introduction that built up to the ‘big problem’ at break neck speed – a serious case of ‘well, that escalated quickly’. In the second half, a good chunk of the time I genuinely didn’t even know what the purpose of the mission was. 

Oh yeah, and The Joker, whose appearances were about as random and as frequent as that. Shame, I was looking forward to Jared Leto’s interpretation.

On the whole, it was a nice evening out, but I’m very glad we got the tickets on 2 for 1. And I did get ice cream 😁

Hope you’re all doing well. I’m off for an early night to try and help me get through the rest of the week without crying!




Back to Basics

I didn’t start a blog to write about stuff and products. I started a blog to encourage me to seek out new life and new civilisations, to boldy – no wait, that’s wrong – to seek out new experiences and to record them to serve as a reminder to myself that, even in my darkest times, things aren’t always completely shit.

Somewhere along the way I forgot that and started becoming too much like so many other bloggers out there – I don’t mean any disrespect by that, there are loads of great bloggers producing great content, a lot of it about stuff and products, and that’s fine if that’s what they want to do – but if I know one thing about myself it’s that I don’t want to just be like everyone else.

I really miss blogging. Especially as I now live so far from so many of my friends and I increasingly loathe Facebook as a means of social interaction. So, let’s give this another go and see where it takes us…..