As those of you who follow me on Instageam might have noticed, in the early part of this week I was feeling pretty good about myself. Some good weather, a few new clothes and feeling like I might actually be beginning to shed some excess weight combined to leave me feeling distinctly selfie-worthy.
Whilst prolonged periods of feeling really good are still quite rare for me its been quite a while since ive experienced such a stark downturn in my mood.
A combination of lots of small niggles and too much time on my own to think and dwell seem to be to blame.
Top of my list of bring-me-downs are definitely my weight and my (lack of) friends.
After some great success shedding the pounds in the later parts of 2015, the xmas/new year period followed by a succession of illnesses saw me put most of that back on and I’ve struggled to get back on track ever since. I’m not gaining weight, but I really feel like I’m making a big effort both in controlling what I eat and in exercising but without seeing and significant change on either the scales or the tape measure. It’s very disheartening and I really have to fight to stop my disappointment from giving way to serious comfort eating and just giving up altogether. As I sit here writing I can feel the extra rolls round my middle stuck to me and it makes me feel sick and disgusting. It’s actually very distressing, which should be enough to get me off my fat ass to do something about it, but nothing I do seems to make any difference.
I’ve also been feeling quite lonely and uncared for recently (I would like to point out that this isn’t fully universal and I know some people do care, but these moods do tend to make me focus on the worst case). I’ve never been good at making friends, even when I was a kid. These days I’m too insular and paranoid to easily open up to people and I work on the assumption that people who don’t already know me aren’t going to be able to understand meandering that anything they do find out about me is only going to put them off anyway. I also live around 300 miles away from anyone I would have considered to already be a close friend and time and distance have definitely taken their toll on those relationships – evidenced by the fact that most of them can’t be bothered to even make the effort to meet me half way between us. I want nothing more than to be a good friend, but I clearly fail as I can’t even get one person to respond to a cry for human contact on Facebook – i actually wonder if anyone sees my statusses anymore or if everyone has just blocked me and my moaning from their news feed. It’s a very sad state of affairs that leaves me feeling hopeless, pointless and on the verge of a big tearfilled meltdown.
As you can see I’m in a bit of a bad way right now. Now the big problem is that, even after all the therapy I’ve had, I just never know how to lift myself out of these descents. I’ve tried distracting myself with various activities, but I lack the enthusiasm and motivation to do anything, which results in a spiral of frustration and guilt. I’m also really bad at the whole cognitive behavioural approach, I can’t write out reasons why the things I’m feeling aren’t true because I wholeheartedly believe that I am fat and unlikely to ever lose weight and that most of the friends I’ve ever had don’t give a damn and I’ll never be able to make good friends again.
Even writing this blog has been difficult with the constant second guessing and self censoring – I’m quite convinced no one will want to read this, but I’m equally convinced that no one does, so in the end I’ve drawn the conclusion that it doesn’t matter.
Here’s to doing better tomorrow